And check me out, I’m the guest author over at Deviant Advice!

So we did a little brainstorming the other day and figured out that letting our site buddies over at Deviant Advice field a few questions from our readers on occasion. While we do strive to give you the geekiest perversions around, we also want to show a fun side and that’s where the good folks at Deviant Advice come in. So feel free to hit their site for Hate Mail Monday, then come on over here for a double-dose with Deviant Advice Monday!

From: XXX@yahoo.com
To: thepervygeek@gmail.com
Subject: blowjobs

Hi Pervy Geeks. So I really like blowjobs. A lot. I like sex, but I really can’t get off unless I give a blowjob at some point. Why am I like this? What’s the geeky side of this desire?

Oh sweet baby. I know you wanted a geeky explanation to this, but it’s pretty obvious here.. you’re a slut.

But hey, turn that frown upside down darlin’. We LOVE sluts. They’re some of the finest people in the world and here’s why:

Sluts typically tend to give most (note: NOT everyone) a turn and, thus, help them on their journey of self-discovery and passion. The female sluts help give awkward guys (and some awkward ladies) their first, or newest experience that would otherwise get them laughed off a first date. And what do they ask for this? Nothing. Zip. Nada. Zilcho. It’s all strictly a humanitarian pursuit and, frankly, is the greatest charity there is. Sexual charity requires absolutely nothing to do. Just two pulses and somewhat-compatible equipment. Hell, you don’t really even need a bed or a bedroom.

So see? You’re actually a humanitarian. A sexy, dirty, humanitarian….

What It Is: attraction to long fingernails; real, or fake

Why It Works: Theories abound on this. For most people, it recalls a time of glamor and raw sexuality, specifically it seems like the 1960′s are of particular reverence given the societal attitudes and the blending of glamor and open sexuality. For most admirers of this fetish, it’s mostly about the whole package and the nails are just one part of it. Nail fetishists often tend to have other fetishes that are similarly tied to glamor that include, but are not limited to:

• high heel fetish
• makeup fetish
• lipstick fetish

For devotees, it truly is all about the glamor and the look. Yes, there is a BDSM tie-in because of the pain and torment aspects. For those guys with a BDSM leaning, it typically hovers around CBT (cock and ball torture). However, the more traditional uses of fingernails -scratching the back of someone during a particularly thrilling sexual escapade- tends to be the greatest expression of the fetish.

Go See More:

Fetish Nails – paid site, with some free content. One of the leading pay sites as they do quite the job of keeping content fresh.

Nailbytes – free site and one of the leaders in the nail fetish community. Frequent updates, but lots of focus on Cam Contacts as of late. Still worth checking out though.

Alarmingly Long and Dangerous Nail Page – one of the early advocates of the fetish. Frank rarely updates anymore due to being somewhat “retired,” but still pops up on the Internet on occasion.

So.. ok, there’s this guy I know and he likes to help me out. He gives me money for bills, buys me stuff, whatever. He doesn’t ask me for sex or anything, he just says he likes to help out. A friend of mine at work says that I’m financially dominating him? Dunno what that means. What do you all think about this?

-MD, Minneapolis

Well MD, we actually already covered this, but figured that this might actually be a good opportunity to let one of the newest members of the Deviant Advice family have a go. So without further ado, let’s let The Pervy Geek field this one…

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Aaaaaaaaaaaaand thanks for the welcome.

So MD, it sounds like you’ve got yourself into quite the situation there. And I’m sorry to say that your friend is dead-on correct. You are financially dominating this guy. However, being that this is Deviant Advice, you know about where I’m going to go with this one…

It’s not all that bad actually. I mean, so far he’s just helping you out because it makes him feel good. It’s pretty simple and there’s not much to it, at least, not as much as you think. Below the surface, there’s potentially something a little different than just simple generosity motivating this. He probably feels somewhat connected to you on an emotional level and, basically, “buying” you helps him continue that connectedness.

Men are strange creatures (I should know, I happen to be one) and we often do things that make no real sense to anyone other than ourselves. Part of that is the mystique of a “kept woman.” Typically this doesn’t have any sort of overt sexual component to it, it’s more repressed. The guy probably feels a slight vicarious thrill in that he can “keep” you in a certain lifestyle. And yes, after each cash infusion or gift, he probably does masturbate over this. Yes, it’s probably a tiny bit icky, but at least you now have some confirmation of what was potentially already swirling around your psyche. So for you, there’s nothing sexual. But for him.. it’s quite different.

So where does this all lead? Well, situations like this can go in various directions. Some women use it as a springboard to become full-time financial dominants. They maintain websites and enjoy lush lives.. but also risk tax issues as, technically, what they get *is* income since they do provide services of some variety, usually phone sex. Then there’s other issues in that some of them actually sell products (used goods, fantasy items, etc) and that starts dipping into interstate commerce, which is tricky. So while there is a certain appeal to it, it’s also courting a large amount of risk, unless you’re comfortable letting your accountant know that you just deposited $500 into your account because 5 guys were willing to pay $100 each for your used gym shoes (seriously, this stuff happens.. Google it).

The other, darker possibility is that this guy will soon begin to want more than just to help you, he’ll want to help HIMSELF TO you. It will likely start off pretty simple: pictures of you, maybe having dinner with him, etc. Then it progresses to more complex situations.. photo shoots, long weekends, exotic vacations (if he’s well enough off), and the list goes on. No, we don’t demand sex from you, at least, not at first. He’ll hint around, make compliments, small touches here and there, more affections (hugs, etc). It will potentially progress to a point where he might actually make an ultimatum. At that point you’ll have a decision to make and, to be quite honest, it could be risky as this guy may not take rejection well. But then, it’s really hard to tell with it.

So MD, so far it doesn’t seem like you’re in a bad way. However, things could progress to a much darker and riskier point, which may be difficult to get out of. In the end though, you’re the only one who can really determine this and then make appropriate decisions. That said, so long as he seems willing, why the hell not? Crap, I’m almost tempted to start putting myself out there.. but I don’t think that there’s much of a market for pasty nerds… or is there?

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The Pervy Geek is a new member of the Deviant Advice Family and is currently developing a website. We’ll post more when he’s getting more content out there. For now, if you want to see what got TPG his start, feel free to visit his site!

This guide will attempt to be a “One Stop Shop” for all your booty-bangin needs as most advice is pretty much applicable to both sexes. As with anything else, your mileage may vary slightly. If it varies wildly, you’ve got bigger problems than takin’ one in the pooper.

Step 1: The Mood Save for a few souls who are homosexual men, or else deep (snicker) into BDSM, anal sex is something that must be worked up to. Typically this means that you’re probably going to be having regular sex before anal sex. And let’s be honest here, if your regular-sex skills are lacking, your anal-sex skills could very well be best described as “traumatic.” So make sure you start out with some good, regular-style sex. As a personal aside, if your ultimate destination is the chocolate factory, I’d advise starting Missionary and then progressing to Doggy. Again, personal aside and not any sort of “you must…” statement.

Step 2: The Approach

So it’s getting closer to go time. For first timers, this is where things go from “this is a hot fantasy” to “wait a second, this IS a human ass we’re dealing with here…” Translation: reality starts to set in. So advice here splits into two segments:

• Taking It In The Butt: Since you are the one who’s going to have most of their neurons resequenced in a fit of erotic pleasure, it’s best to understand that your body will be out of your control. Granted, you aren’t going to start clucking like a chicken or anything, but there’s a high likelyhood that you’re going to be moving around and your lover can’t follow every move. And since the act of having something in and out of your rear constantly and at a rapid pace tends to displace air, there’s all sorts of exciting risks of “spillage.” So, as a willing host, it’s your job to keep a nice clean basement there. Is all this too flowery for you? Fine, take a poop before sex and try not to have a large meal beforehand. Speaking your language now? Great.

• Putting It In The Butt: Let’s face facts. Unless you’re a guy getting it in the ass somehow, you’re probably the one doing the pushing here. And unless you are a devotee of anal sex (then why are you even reading this?), then you have no clue what the hell is about to happen. As you get ready for this exploration, just remember that the butt isn’t multi-functional like the vagina. The butt serves one real purpose for the body and it’s always trying to manage that purpose. So bear in mind that things may not go as you plan and there might be some unexpected happenings. It’s ok. Just go with it. Still not sure what I’m talking about? Fine. Be ready for the occasional fart or some staining on your junk. Yes, there you go. Now you understand. Fantastic.

Step 3: Lube and Romance

That’s right. Lube AND Romance. Folks, you gotta woo the intended taker of this. Just saying something like “oh god, I want it in your ass” isn’t quite cutting it. On the flip side, saying “fine, if it will shut you up” probably isn’t going to end up in a good experience either. You’ve got to communicate with each other and make it clear that you both are ready. This can be accomplished in any one of a number of ways, but a general rule is that quoting “Baby Got Back” is going to get you slapped… or crapped on if the other person’s laughing hard enough and ignoring what I put in Step 2. So yes. You’ve both made it clear that now is the time. Legs get spread and asses get… romanced. That’s right… romanced. Folks, the butt is a complicated area of the body that, usually, keeps stuff in and tends to be unidirectional (pauses for you to make an “Exit Only” joke……. we good? ok, let’s go). What you’re doing pretty much confuses the hell out of an ass… at first. To make things easier, you want to gently let the ass know what’s going on. And this means romantic stuff like massaging, rubbing (gently… it’s a rectum, not a pork shoulder needing a dry-rub before a BBQ), maybe even getting down there with some kisses. Side note: I’ve never rimmed someone simply because I have a low squick threshold. Some folks don’t mind, it’s a personal thing. This is a great time to bring in the aforementioned Lube of the “Lube and Romance” title… So you’re there and you’ve got your lube and a romanced asshole in front of you. Now what? Well, it’s time to finish prepping the area. Yes genius, that means lube it up.

Now, this is an area that is up for fierce debate… namely, which lube is the best? Honestly, it’s a personal decision. Just remember that the lube should at least be water-based with a water spritzer nearby. Trust me on this. If you aren’t sure of why, that’s a whole other article that I can work on later. Just trust me, ok? Fantastic. So here you should start GRADUALLY applying lube. Remember that, typically, a little goes a long way, but it’s best to err on the side of caution here. And by “err” I mean “use a little more than you think is necessary” and not “empty the bottle” ok? Rock on. Make sure you get some inside as well. And with that, we go to….

Step 4: Slow Start Congratulations. You are now either the posessor of or else in posession of a well-lubed rear-end. This is a good time to, again, split advice into two segments:

• Takin It In The Tookus: this is where you really need to work on relaxing. Breathing exercises, happy thoughts, good music, whatever it takes to get you into your happy place mentally. Please note: if the only way you get calm is through drugs, then you’re pretty much sunk here. Until you actually know and understand how your body feels when it’s got a large load o’ cargo back there, it’s best to do this sober. So get calm. Talk to your partner and tell them how you feel as you feel it.. but do be polite about it. Translation: “That feels ok” or “I like how that feels” or “Slow down” as opposed to “Oh Holy Fuck what the hell, are you jamming a log into my ass or what?”

• Tossing Into The Toss: at this point, you should be stuck on one speed… SLOW. Yes, I know that “slow” is often a matter of perspective, but remember that you’re dealing with a sensitive body part here (rectums CAN tear, ok and you DON’T want that ER trip on your insurance). First off, you might want to start out by using some fingers first. One, then another, and so forth. Take your time here and keep the bottle o’ lube -or else the aforementioned spritzer bottle- handy and freshen up that lube from time-to-time. As you work in a finger, take time to really massage the interior of the rectum. Again, romance. The purpose here is to get your partner used to the width gradually since, unless they have some horrific gastric anomoly, they aren’t used to soemthing as big as what you’re wielding. So exercise caution and concern. Once you have in as many fingers as can reasonably represent what you will be replacing said fingers with, then it’s time to sieze your destiny with both hands and continue on to:

Step 5: Ass Fucking (couldn’t come up with a clever title):

So it’s time. All prep has been done and it’s time to go to the big show. Again, advice is in two streams…

• Wide Receiver: at this point, you’re pretty much done. You’ve given signals to your partner that you’re ready and have likely had your ass romanced. You’re ready. Now what? Well… nothing. At this point, you just sorta close your eyes and let the partner take over.

• Quarter-Back: look at your partner. There they are… ready, willing, waiting, lubed, and -hopefully- enjoying themselves. Now it’s time for you to… go slow. Yes, slow… again. Why? Well, even though you’ve used your fingers and gotten the receiver ready, fingers aren’t whatever you’re intending to fill them with. After all, a bundle of sticks is way different than a log.. am I right here? Of course I am. So start slow. Gently ease the end of whatever into your partner, taking note of how it feels (if you’re a girl doing a guy with a strapon, this part won’t be easy) and how your partner is reacting. Listen to any noises they make, feel how they move. You’re probably capable enough to tell good sounds from bad and -likewise- good movement from bad. Now, the one thing you’re waiting for here is for your partner to push back. No, not like “oh sweet Jesus get this out of me NOW or they won’t find your body,” rather more like “I actually want you deeper in me.” As soon as The Push is confirmed, you’re pretty much free to open up that throttle and give it a go. Just remember to keep a careful neuron or two on when it feels like friction is slowing down and retreat the area with more lube or water. Generally you won’t need to do this often, but conditions can vary. While the ass isn’t -by nature- self-lubricating, the body does occasionally find a way to overcome this.

So that’s it. You are now having anal sex and, hopefully, enjoying it. If you’re the giver, you’re likely working that ass like an angry sharecropper with a grudge. Conversely, as the taker, you probably are now realizing why the term “Anally Fixated” was coined and are questioning as to why in the hell it was ever considered a bad thing. All the fun aside, there’s still some things to remember… 1) Going from the ass directly to the vagina is a no-no. In fact, it’s seriously a HORRIBLE idea. The rectum is designed to expel, as is the vagina. However, the vagina is a multi-tasker since it also tends to bring stuff (ie: sperm) in. So by going from ass to vag, you’re likely dragging bacteria from the brink of terror into paradise. If you feel compelled to give it the ole switcheroo, then at least wipe off first or pull on a new condom. Some folks have come up with the ingenious plan to wear two condoms and simply whip off the used and have the fresh ready to go. I’ve no idea of why they choose this route, but I’m guessing they’re Forumla 1 fans. If that makes no sense to you, don’t worry. Just laugh, cause it’s goddam funny. 2) In the shower? No. Not at all. I can’t detail why this is a bad idea, it just is. 3) Cleanup will likely be simple (couple of quick turns with a warm rag) or terrifying (“when did you have corn on the cob?”). Either way, there is a small possibility of blood. Don’t freak. If it’s a small amount, it’s normal as the rectum can tear easily. Conversely, if it’s a large amount (your first thought is “did I slaughter a calf?”) then you might want to freak out, clean up, and head to the ER. 4) Lather, rinse, and -most importantly- repeat. Having successful anal sex once is like having a great dinner out of the fridge once. You always have an ass just like you always have a reasonably-stocked fridge. Indulge often.

Oh sure, I’ve glossed over some more complex facts (why buttsecks in the shower is bad) and gone WAY overboard on other things (I did mention lube and going slow, right?), but this guide will help get you started. Enjoy! Addendum: guys, don’t think you’re out on the receiving end either… everything I’ve mentioned in this guide applies to you too. The only real difference is that a woman won’t get as much tactile response with a strapon as you do with your dick, so you need to communicate much more clearly and often. So put your fears aside (no, it doesn’t make you gay.. just kinky) and give it a whirl… who knows, you may even see God. If you do, tell him I said hi and that I’m really sorry about that thing in ’83… he’ll know.

The site will attempt to educate, but not too seriously. After all, sex should be fun and what better way to have fun than to drag it’s body into the bright lights of the examination room and conduct all sorts of experiments and then making excruciatingly precise and thorough notes about the whole ordeal, amirite? So yes, we WILL be going into detail about all the crazy insane stuff you like and even that crazy insane stuff that you wouldn’t get near even if you were drunk and Robert Redford was offering you a suitcase full of gold bars. So pay attention, you just might learn something.

And if you’ve got a question or something to say? Let us know!